Overcoming Loss

// Context.

This week has been a weird one - I’ve been very fortunate in my life and I’ve not lost any real close family or friends and I think thats been a fair deal considering I’m now 42.

Both grandparents on my mothers side are still with us and my mum and dad are still very much alive.

Growing up, I suffered some real loss as I was in the Army - one stand out death in particular when a very good friend of mine in basic training (and then technical training) left for his first unit and killed himself by filling his car with exhaust fumes.

I remember it vividly as his death coincided with my brothers own ‘passing out parade’ at the same Army college I went to (and my friend went to) and I had to return to watch my brother on the same day my friend was being buried.

But apart from that, I’ve been very fortunate.

Until this week.

// Life is short.

I have a random name tattooed on my body - it’s on my left arm, quite close to my armpit. If I was topless, you wouldn’t see it because when my arms are down, it’s hidden away but I have one tattoo of a mans name on my arm (not including my children’s own handwriting of their names).

The name on my arm is ‘Leon’.

Leon was one of my closest friends in my 20’s - he liked the same music as me, he liked motorbikes and cars, he liked a few beers at the pub and whilst he was a few years younger than me - he was a really good friend.

The thing about Leon is that his twin was my ex-wife and it was through Leon that I met her.

He was officially my brother in law for the years we were married and when we seperated, I didn’t get the chance to speak to him again. I ended the marriage and because of that, it was just so hard to stay in the same patterns.

During the time we were friends and family, we spent an incredible amount of time together - he suffered a motorbike accident during that time and he went from the man who I used to jump in the car with and sit in a pub garden with to someone who lived in a wheelchair - he was in and out of hospital a lot especially with his back, I would spend days/weeks painting his new home (a converted bungalow) so that he had a house to live in when he came out of hospital and I used to crash at his house once I’d finished painting his home.

It was in these quiet moments, these solitary moments that we talked, opened up and listened to one another.

He truly was a brother and thats the reason his name is on my arm.

He died last week of spinal cancer, he’d been through several rounds of chemotherapy and had been fighting back but last week, he decided to rest for the last time.

It took my breath away when I learned the news and in some strange way, I am glad I got to see, know, and hug Leon when he was at his best.

// Moments

Life is filled with moments of loss and change, whether it's the end of a relationship, the passing of a loved one, or significant life transitions.

During the life changes I experienced around 13-14 years ago, I had to learn to let go. I let go of my home, my family and friendships and at times, my son. It was an incredibly difficult time and something I have only ever spoken about on a few occasions.

Learning to let go is a crucial skill for mental and emotional well-being because staying in toxic or damaging situations, hanging onto things and staying in places you shouldn’t be, all do more damage than good. You also have to let go sometimes for other peoples well being - the old saying that ‘if you love someone, you should let them go’ rings true.

Since that time, since those moments, I have experienced so many different emotions across the years - I have to say that every decision you make has an impact on your life and change is an inevitable part of life.

I have recently changed jobs after staying in a situation I was not happy in for too long, it was a really difficult decision especially as I am the main source of income for our family, it was a job I actually enjoyed for long periods and of course, I liked most of the people I worked with.

Change is inevitable as life moves at such a fast pace, you will experience sadness, grief, anxiety and fear. I certainly felt all of those when I decided to quit my job and of course, I felt all those emotions when I heard the news this week about Leon.

// Coping

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve struggled with life sometimes, I’ll freely admit that I suffered PTSD when I returned from two tours of Iraq in the early 2000’s, I struggled with my emotions when my marriage broke down and I’ve been through over a years worth of therapy to deal with a lot of things.

Despite all of this, I’ve always tried to remain ‘stable’.

What do I mean by that?

I’ve managed to continue to live my life in a positive way and with one eye on the future - and I would put that down to a few things that I’ve been able to do so that I remain optimistic and confident.

Early on, the first coping mechanism was very difficult to understand but I want you to think of it as ‘acceptance’.

Acceptance is just accepting the reality of the situation but thats really hard when you’re scared of helicopter noises, loud bangs and sirens. It’s a strange reality that your mind is conditioned to but that definitely prepared me for things later on in life, understanding situations and not reacting to them in a negatively emotional way but just accepting the reality for what it is - denial of any situation can prolong the pain and certainly hinders the healing process.

The second mechanism I’ve used (as I mention above) is to seek support, surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family. When I changed jobs, when I chatted with Tina (my wife) about the decision, we were able to talk about things, thrash them out and understand them together. When I was struggling around 4-5 years ago and we needed additional help, I went to the GP and got help through a professional counsellor.

Finally, I’ve always focused on being positive and that means creating new memories - emphasising on creating new, positive experiences can help replace the old memories associated with loss.

When a relationship breaks down and you’re feeling low - experiencing new things will be two-fold, you spend time away from your own thoughts (which will be bringing you down) and you get to create new ones with new people.

// Embracing Change

I don’t want this to sound like I’m dismissing any emotions or riding through anything that I should be feeling as I want you to understand that you should feel all these things - they are all feelings that should be felt but every change is an opportunity for growth and new beginnings rather an end.

I know I started this blog with a sombre tone and with the fact that I’ve lost someone this week but this blog is also about change, loss or significant transitions in life - every change is an opportunity for growth and every change means you’ll have a new beginning rather than an end.

If you’re going through is in your relationship, if you’re about to change your job or you are, like me, experiencing a loss - you can embrace the moments and view it all as an opportunity for growth and new beginnings rather than an end.

Leon was immensely positive when we talked, despite being in a wheelchair and experiencing a deeply personal tradegy - he embraced it all and established new goals and aspirations as it gave him a sense of purpose and direction.

When you change your job or relationship you begin to look at life differently - you cultivate flexibility and adaptability. Life is constantly changing, and the ability to adapt will make other life transitions easier.

Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting the past. It means acknowledging the impact of loss and change while finding a way to live fully in the present and look forward to the future.

// Conclusion

The art of letting go involves understanding, accepting, and embracing the emotions associated with loss and change.

Being present with those feelings and accepting them as an important part of life, talking things through and gaining support from others whilst understanding that things will get better is where you will find the strength to be positive and optimistic about the future.

Remember, letting go is not about erasing the past but about making peace with it.

I’m starting to realise that life is not about the things which are sent to test us, nor is it about the things which we want to achieve but it’s about the people you share it with and I just wish I’d spent a little more time with Leon.

Don’t hold back today - if you haven’t heard from someone in a while or you think about someone often, tell them.